Call The Cops!

[TOTP - June '98 ISSUE 40]

They're big and they're bad. They're mean and they're menacing. . .FIVE reveal their dark and sinister criminal sides!

What's the naughtiest thing you've ever done that you still haven't been caught for?
Well, I was walking home one night and I felt like taking a rest so I leant against a newsagents window and fell through it! I ended up lying among tons of glass thinking, 'Blimey! What happened there?' Did I tell anyone? Nah, I just got up and went home!

How about you Rich? You look like the criminal type!
One day me and my mates decided to climb on the roof of a school. Trouble is the roof was plastic and my foot went straight through it. The caretaker called the police so we tried to make a run for it but the cops arrived, we said it was some other kids but they didn't believe us and had a right go at us. It was only a roof for God's sake!

C'mon the rest of you - we want the truth...
When I was about 12 and staying out in Canada I once found $300. I didn't tell a soul and spent it all on sweets!
Abs: I do bad things every day. I nick robes and shampoo sets from hotels. It's easy. I just put them in my bag and leave. D'ya know, back at home I've got about five robes, hotel slippers that I don't wear, shower caps, shoe shiners…
Scott: I always get caught for things I haven't done! I was once accused of throwing a brick through a house window by the police and I wasn't even there!

So what happened?
Well I fitted the description, so even though my mates stuck up for me and told them I hadn't been anywhere near that particular housing estate that night they still took my details - clothes, appendix scar. It's cos I come from Essex - I get picked on!

Anyone else been wrongly accused of anything?
Yeah, that always happened to me. I went to a public school and everyone was quite posh but my mum worked really hard to put me in there. I was known as one of the bad kids but it was only cos I was a loud lad. Anyway, the teachers accused me of stealing a lad's Walkman - I hadn't touched it and I went mad when they didn't believe me.
J: I've been wrongly accused of all sorts of stuff - it must be the way I look!
Abs: Someone at school accused me of throwing a bottle at their head but it was my mate, not me. Thing is, my mate ran off and I was the one who was left standing there looking guilty. I got sent to the head teacher. My mum came down to the school and everything. It was only a plastic bottle as well. What a wimp!

Ever been charged by the coppers?
They've questioned me and my mates. Asked us stuff like, 'Do you have any drugs on you?' and then told us to move on. But I've never been charged. I'm a good boy!
Sean: I was cautioned once for fighting in the park with some lads - I had to make a statement and everything!
Scott: I've been put in the back of a police van. It was alright though cos I ended up chatting to the policemen. Just went down to the station, got questioned and went home. I didn't actually get charged.

Scott, do your tangles with police officers happen quite regularly then?
Nah. It's just that I always get accused of being rowdy, but I'm not, I'm just cheeky.

Have you actually seen the inside of a police cell?
Yeah, and they're lovely places. (Pauses as the tension in the room builds to popping point.) I was only visiting someone! (Everyone lets out a sigh of relief.) I was about 14 and quite a few of my mates were getting done for GBH. I couldn't believe it, they were banged up! Mind you, it taught them a lesson.

OK, let's get onto the serious stuff now. Describe the perfect crime…
The perfect crime would be to steal time cos then I'd have all the time in the world to do what I want.
Rich: (To Scott.) What?! I'd rob a bank and then leg it to Cape Town in Africa - beautiful beaches, beautiful weather. I'd save the Seychelles for my holidays!
Abs: Ok. Here's my perfect crime. The Royal Bank of Scotland, getaway truck waiting outside. I break in the back door, the alarm goes off, erm, (pausing to think through his cunning plan), I handcuff the bank manager and threaten to force feed him Scampi and Lemon Nik Naks if he doesn't tell me the code for the safe. Then I grab the money and "vroom" (looking smug), I'm gone!

Where would you stash the cash?
Under my bed! No, I'd spend it on investments. I couldn't look too obvious swanking round in posh clothes. Everyone'd know.
Sean: I'd bury the loot deep underground in a really poor country! (Erm, right!)
Scott: (To Sean and Abs.) That's stupid! I wouldn't tell anyone where I was hiding the readies. They'd rob it.

What would be the best and worst things about jail?
The best is I'd have so much time off I could do loads of weight training and wallk out the doors really really fit and muscly. The worst thing is that I wouldn't have my freedom - I'd be stuck there!
J: I agree with Rich. I'd work out and get really fit.
Abs: The best thing for me would be having lots of time to read or learn a new language.

Who would you make your last phone call to?
If I was only locked up for one night I'd call someone in my family. I wouldn't call my girlfriend cos I wouldn't want to worry her. I might even make up a phone number and call that - just to see who answers.
Scott: I'd phone me mum and dad and say, 'I've done it again! Help!'
Rich: Yeah, I'd call me mum. Mind you, if she thought I was guilty I wouldn't dare ring her. She'd go mad!

Scared of your mums and you call yourself hard lads? Phffft! We reckon sprogster Aaron Carter's made of tougher stuff than you lot! Hey lads, we're only joking… Erm, lads… Argh!… Leg it!...