Battle Of The Week


This week, patters.net pits two of the biggest boy bands in the land against each other. Which side of the fence do you sit on? Do you prefer the naughty shoutiness of Five, or do you prefer the soporific tunes of Westlife?

Here we intend to put the matter to bed (which is something we wouldn't mind doing with Jay Brown, but more of that later).

Ladies and gentlemen, we bring you

Westlife V's Five

Please note that this Battle Of The Week took place in the summer, prior to Five's sad demise.

Each category has a maximum score of 10 points.

Babe Index

Westlife
Kieran saves Boyzone from being totally ming. You can just see them in fifteen years, stacking shelves at a B&Q Superstore, or asking "Do you want fries with that?". However, Kieran is completely do-able. One thing K...please let go of David Beckham's old haircut. Times have moved on. 4/10
Five
Two words..."Jay" and "Brown". Jay appeared on the front cover of Attitude magazine last year with the tagline, "A Real Man Amongst The Boys". We can only agree with this sentiment. From his pierced eyebrow down to...everything else, Jay rules. Now will you please take your shirt off. 7/10

Number Of Hit Singles

Westlife
Ten - nine of which reached number one. This isn't a reflection on the quality of their music, rather a critique on the complete sapzziness of teenage girls right now. 7/10
Five
Ten - just three number ones though...who cares, at least with Five you can look forward to a fairly interesting video...not just some blokes who get up off their stools at the start of the middle eigth...6/10

Singing Ability

Westlife
What happens when Westlife try to cover a non-ballad? All hell breaks loose. Witness they appallingly simplistic cover of Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl". Westlife can sing alright, but they sing the kind of sentimental cobblers that people who like Robson & Jerome appreciate. Boring and limp. 5/10
Five
The interesting thing about Five is that they don't really sing on most of their singles. Since the demise of East 17 and Another Level, Five are the only band who still enjoy pointing at things for no particular reason (Janet and Michael Jackson also do this) 6/10

Physique

Westlife
Well it's difficult to say...Westlife favour suit and "smart casual" which can hide a multitude of sins. However, we can confirm that Mark is a tad lardy. Aside from that, they appear to be fairly fit. Wait until Summer 2003 though...it's almost a certainty that three of the boys will have "pied out" quite badly. 4/10
Five
To one degree or the other, they are all fairly buff. However, once again, Jay's physique over-shadows the rest. We know we've said it before, but why haven't Five posed for Attitude? What's wrong with you? Have you got something to hide? We should be told. 7/10

Relationships

Westlife
Isn't one of them the brother of the two good-looking ones in B*Witched? Or was that Boyzone? Oh, who cares...Westlife aren't allowed to have girlfriends because it would upset their hoardes of teenage fans. Talking of B*Witched, what the hell happened their? They were all succesful with number one singles and silly chirpiness on Top Of The Pops, then nothing! We feel that questions should be raised...we miss B*Witched. Actually, we don't...couldn't give a tinkers actually. 2/10
Five
Jay dated Melanie C from the Spice Girls. Ha ha ha ha...this must mean that the rumours about Mel being a lesbian are totally false...or it could mean....ummm..... 7/10

Longevity

Westlife
Three years and counting...it seems so much longer, doesn't it? The really scary thing is that you can be sure that once their popularity begins to wane, there'll be another Westlife, just waiting to be foisted upon us by their record company. They're probably at the Sylia Young Stage School right now, practising their interview techniques...ugh. 4/10
Five
Again, three years. Although it must be said that things are looking decidedly dodgy for Five at the moment. The Backstreet Boys (Five's natural nemisis) show no signs of flagging, and Blue have crept up to steal some of their fanbase. It will be interesting to see how Five come back. We sugget that they feature Jay in the bath in their new video...just as suggestion (written before they split up...now Jay, about that bath thing...). 5/10

Style

Westlife
Armani suits and wimpy smiles. Westlife are the Kings Of Suburbia. Go to any pub in Colchester on an Saturday night and you'll see dozens of lads who could all be in Westlife. Nice, safe and unthreatening...a bit like a holiday in the Algarve. Not a compliment by the way..4/10
Five
Westlife favour the big silly trousers and logo jackets which can be seen on any high street in South London on any day of the week. Again, they are the natural successors to East 17....not a compliment by the way 5/10

Git Index

Westlife
Oh where do we start? Ebery single bloody song is a ballad...every single interview is stage-managed to the nth degree...is there any difference between Westlife and Boyzone? Any? No, there isn't.. 2/10
Five
Richie once dated Billie Piper. He was such a git that she went on to marry Chris Evans. Imagine being dumped for Chris Evans. This alone ramps up Five's Git Index.. 2/10

Dancing Ability

Westlife
Ha ha ha...okay, how do you dance to a ballad? You don't, that's how. Their only uptempo song has been a cover of Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl" for Comic Relief. They spend most of the video mugging to camera and leering at Claudia Schieffer. Not good 2/10
Five
Five have to dance. All of their singles so far have been club-oriented to varying degrees. However, watch closely - you'll notice that nothing they do is too complicated. Only two of the members of Five can only think, sing and dance at the same time. This becomes evident when you watch one of their promo clips and realise that three members of the band are left with "staring and pointing" duties 4/10

Crap Single Index

Westlife
Every single one...go on - name a Westlife song that hasn't tested your gag reflex. Okay, "My Love" had that anthem feel about it, but seriously, would you put on a Westlife track at a party without worrying about what it would do to your credibility? No....1/10
Five
"Got The Feeling" was vaguely crap and the band themselves refuse to perform it at shows now (although this may be due to he fact that the accompanying dance routine make them look like Bill And Ben, The Flowerpot Men). Five have, however produced "Keep On Movin" which was very pleasant indeed.. 4/10

The Final Score

Westlife
Westlife have scored the lowest on any Battle Of The Week. A pathetic 35/100. Whilst we have no axe to grind with Westlife, we must point out that their overall crappiness and lack of do-able members (with the possible exception of Kieran) will always handicap them.
Still, no worries for the boys. You have the teenage girl market sewn up...for now
Good luck with the next bloody cover version lads. By the way, You know that song you did with Mariah Carey, "Against All Odds"? Well, did you not think it strange that you weren't allowed to perform it with her on Top Of The Pops? Now why do you think that was eh?
Five
A respectable 53/100 for the boys from Five. We know that you'll probably split up in a year, to be replaced by another band who haven't started shaving yet, however, we look forward to various members turning up on Brookside, whilst others go for a career in childrens television. Jay - you will be the Robbie Williams of the band. We're right behind you (probably closer than you realise).