Two Cool

[Smash Hits AUS ISSUE - November 2000]

When we introduced Abs Five to Richard Blackwood [a UK recording artist and TV host], what happened? Whaddya think? Chaos! Abs and Richard Blackwood bowl into the studio. They vaguely know each other, but they've been set the task: find out who's cooler. "Aw man, I'm gonna lose," moans Abs. "How can you get cooler than Richard?" Richard just laughs, "Right back at ya man." Let the interrogation begin.

Richard: So Abs, I've been told that you like to tickle [pulls a face].
Abs: More lick really, lick is the word you're looking for. I'm gonna defend myself here, I do but only when I'm really tired. I must have a saliva problem or something [they slap their hands together for a shake]. Okay, Mr. Blackwood, there's a story about you and Mel B. [Richard looks worried] Tell me the story, man.
Richard: [laughing] Mel B, what can I tell you? Okay, cause it's you, Abs, I'll tell you the truth - nothing happened. I saw her in Chinawhite and we were talking. It got blown outta proportion and the papers started calling to ask what was going on. If there was something, I woulda been happy, but there wasn't. We're friends. People have tried to get a picture taken of both of us and we're like, "No way!".
Abs: [Nodding] You know what's going down if you do that picture.
Richard: [Flicking his wrist towards Abs] You know it! OK, it's me now. Abs, you claim to be keepin' it real and yet you're in a boyband.
Abs: Keeping it real, being me, that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm just being myself. I'm in a boyband but at the end of the day, it's part of my life and I'm still me. When I'm not working, I go home and see the same friends I've always seen, which proves I'm still me and I am keeping it real. [Grinning] Mr. Blackwood, allegedly you wanna be like Abs.
Richard: [Slaps his thigh] Not true! [They both crack up]. Although he's got good dress sense, I'll give him that. [Pretending to have the hump] He come in here rockin' some fierce jeans and he know the label but just won't tell the brother [folds his arms and looks at Abs].
Abs: [Clearing his throat] Right, Mr. Blackwood, you've started a whole new set of slang, for example, "Who da man?"
Richard: The whole "Who da man" thing started way before me but it just stuck. I tell ya what I do wanna start though: Whaaa gwaaan [spelt by Richard]. Everyone's saying, "Whassup?!" but that's yankee, whaaa gwaaan is Jamaican for what's up.
Abs: Or whaaas gwaaaning, which is an English way of saying it.
Richard: [looking confused] Er, OK, you're DJing now. How do you like that?
Abs: It's different, when you're at home, you mess up here and there, y'know - no pressure. When you're in a club and you drop that right track and everyone's like "Whoa!", it's amazing.
Richard: [leaning towards Abs] Is it true that DJs get a lot of women?
Abs: [laughing] Yeah! The second night I saw there, this girl came up to the glass window in a bikini top. She pressed her breasts against the window and was like, "What are you doing afterwards?" and I was trying hard to concentrate.
Richard: [clapping his hands] I think I might have to become a DJ!
Abs: [winking] It's cris! OK, your turn. I heard that you posed in a shower cap for Smash Hits.
Richard: Abs: [joining in] Yeah, and I'm gonna chop off his toes for you.
Richard: Right Abs, did you give out love advice for Smash Hits?
Abs: Yeah, Doctor Lurve - but that was for the other boys in the band. I've just come out of a relationship, but my friends always ask my advise and a lot of the time, it's good.
Richard: Just out of curiosity, how long were you with your partner?
Abs: Three, four years, something like that.
Richard: I had a six-year relationship so I know what it's like, it mashes your head.
Abs: Life carries on but you're the man to be with... you always have lovely girls in your vids.
Richard: Well I try.
Abs: Do you get a say in who you want?
Richard: Yep, they show me pictures and I always pick them on their dancing skills, honestly! [whispering] Meanwhile, I'll be thinking, 'Mmm, she looks NICE!"
Abs: [shaking his head] See, you're all right, you're on a solo thing. I've got four boys to contend with. We'll be sitting there and I'll be looking at one girl and so will J, it's like, [diving over a chair] "She's mine!" Next question, you, Mr Blackwood, rate yourself in your songs and I believe I have some sample lyrics here: "RB runs the show" and "Yeah, we love you RB".
Richard: I only wrote one of those songs and one was written for me. I think in entertainment you need a slight air of confidence, but you can't believe your own hype. I write it in lyrics cause I think it's selling the facade, which is what it's all about. OK, and now I've got some sample lyrics of yours: "Wiggy wiggy, I'm getting jiggy/open up the door, got the keys to your city". What do you have to say about that bro? [sits back in chair and waits for Abs to defend himself].
Abs: [with a grin] It worked!
Richard: Fair comment, bro!

And with that, Abs and Richard [SH verdict - as cool as each other] slap hands one final time, swap numbers and jump in a cab together.